Random thoughts 102

Homeless
I felt homeless for a really long time. Even surrounded by the people all the time, I felt lonely. Inspite of that, I used to fake laugh, cry, putting out emotions never letting anyone know that how was I. I have insecurities and trust issues and I thought I will never be able to love myself or anyone for that matter. I will forever be homeless. I thought only solution for that is to travel city to city, not getting attached to people or not let people get attached to you. It was a cry in disguise but I was still surviving. Every day I am waking up trying to find all the answers that why I am like that. But there was no permanent home for me even my own home where I have been grown up. I was craving to feel content. And then suddenly I found at darkest and strangest hour. Sitting at one corner faking laughs like I was doing. It was very strange. I resist myself to fall for you because I had enough temporary homes and I couldn't handle another one. But seeing you made me feel like I have never felt before. You made me let go of my issues and finally being able to fall for a person. You made me feel I am good enough to get all the love and the attention. You had 0 expectations and so much to talk. And I haven't realised that how for someone I took as a casual spoilt person with great communication skills to be someone so deep and amusing. I can swear about the fact that how much I didn't want to. How difficult was this for me. How different it was for me. I took it super slow, trying to understand as much as I can, taking you in my own shell step by step. All the love I witnessed in movies or book or surrounded by me, I could feel that. I was not in hurry so I didn't force you to do anything for me as long you don't want it. Even if I wanted it, I thought we had whole lives to figure out. You made me believe that you were my first brick to my permanent happy home. I let go of things I wanted or desired or the things about you which was not acceptable to me before. Coolness in me which came as a shield outside started coming within too. For once I was content. I was patiently waiting but I was content. Even if I was a social person, I could never tell so many things to someone. You were home. My home. My happy place. You didn't have lots of time to talk but even if we have 15 mins of conversations, my whole day was revolving about that only. I felt connected. I felt like you are me only. I trusted you blindly without any substantial proofs because I was also trying to be permanent home for you. I wanted you to fight for me and not to me. I wanted you to feel exactly the same way I felt. Was that so impossible to tell you how much I craved your attention which made me do desperate things but still I was in my pants only. But since the time, you started taking me for granted, even ready to let me go and not stopping me, I realised that you were only the rental place which I decorated and thought as my own but niether I could afford to buy it nor I could anymore rent it. I realised it was never mine to take it at first time. Maybe I made a wrong judgement. I lived in my dreams. I was seeing the signs but I didn't want to acknowledge that. I couldn't see you not part of me. I had tried easier way and harder way. You took me not only for granted but non existential. Your kind of showing affection made me think I might not be enough as much I started to think. You made me heartbroken so many times that you don't even realise it was so much more for me than just a relationship. My whole attention and focus revolved around that. And now it's lost and I am clueless. I am nowhere and everywhere and lost and scared and more broken than I was before meeting you. I built the starting stepping stone, all you had to do was to put a brick above one another, protect it from the harsh situations and eventually we could have build a great home together. Now the hope is lost, you are lost, my time is lost and my confirmation is lost. Now I will have to work more harder to survive it all. I have never asked me to be there for me like  you do for everyone you love including  family and friends in person as I always thought we are endgame. This all doesn't matter in long run as long as you are there with me even if it is only virtually. But you taking me for granted  for everything and everyone and making me feel bad about myself every single day as if I am a burden you can't let go. Flash alert man, all you ever has to do was to ask.  Now more compromises I have to make, more complications I have to survive through, trusting people so much and so seriously, probably gonna bring lots of changes in me. I just wished you could atleast fight for it once. I wished you could atleast make me feel special and not another girl in your life. Even though I stopped having expectations, I lived for those expectations. Whenever I said I hate you, at that point of time, I loved you infinite times more. Probably I won't love again like I did. Not this blind. Not this passionate. It will take me a long time to resist loving like how I do. My heart still ache for you, aching it since long but now I am bearing it all at once and it's too too painful. But I still how one day for a coffee far far away from today, we can have a talk and you can see that I will be able to remove all the scars you had given me in a course of this time and me being happy in the home.